Hello Punk Fans! ! Here we are, Heart of Punk, up in the great punk city of York. That’s in Yorkshire, for all you slackers who kept noddin’ off in geography lessons. Well we come up here yesterday afternoon. In the Band Bus. Bobo and I got ourselves the back seat before Belter and Legend had a chance. So we got to enjoy the ride. I never thought it would be so hard on tour. You know, keeping the fire burnin’. You’d think Bobo and I would be enjoyin’ each other’s company all the time on the tour, what with bein’ in the same punk band and wotnot. Bobo, she’s been complainin’ a bit lately. “I never see ya, Nafe”, she says. And fair enuff, too. Coz I’m the leader of the Heart of Punk. So I been doin’ a lot of the interview stuff, the radio stuff, the newspaper stuff. Dealin’ with the venue stuff. Especially with Nineknees down in London working on our big recording contract and tour of the US of A. Lot of the load has fallen on little ol’ me, Nafe, former delinquent from Sediment Ponds Comprehensive, and a guy who just wants a simple life. Hangin’ out with me mates, get up close and personal with Bobo, and shoutin’ a lot. Can’t wait for Nineknees to get back and take some of the load. But anyway, I’m not complainin’ or nuthin’. Coz the tour is awesome! Fantastic!
Gotta tell you about this place in York. It’s the Grand Old Duke Pub. What a name for a pub! You gotta remember that daft little nursery rhyme. “The Grand Old Duke of York, he had ten thousand men, he marched them up to the top of the hill and he marched the down again.” I used to think he was daft, but now I’m thinkin’ what a legendary geyser he was! Smart fellow, too. I mean, what do you do with 10,000 men? I’m havin’ enuff trouble gettin’ the four of us in the band organised while Nineknees our manager is away. But this genius the Duke he thought to himself “I’ll tell ‘em they gotta march up to the top of the hill. Then they’ll be thinkin’ ‘Oright, must be somethin’ good up the top of the hill. Maybe a big fight with the Duke of Wellington or somethin’.’ So off they go, marchin’ up to the top of the hill. And when they get there, the Grand Old Clever Pants Duke says “OK chaps, down we go again.” Then by the time they get to the bottom of the hill, they’re too tired to complain or start any mutiny or that kind of nonsense. Just a couple of sausages in the mess tent and off to sleep. What a brainbox!
Anyway we played our first gig at the Grand Old Duke last night. Awesome crowd! Barry the manager was totally flipped out. And these York Punks, do they know how to party! Pogoed all night long they did. Or at least until 2 in the morning when the coppers came and closed down the joint. Anyway it was a great gig! It’s amazing. Everywhere we go in Yorkshire the fans are awesome! Just punk rockin’ all over the world. We all rolled out of bed about lunchtime. We was all sittin’ around with nothin’ to do before our sound check at about 6. The pubs got this little balcony kind of arrangement up on the first floor. We were sittin’ out there enjoyin’ the spring sunshine. The sun loves to shine on punk rockers, you know. And Belter and Legend are foolin’ round, being stupid, and I’m thinkin’ to meself, What am I gonna do with these nutters so they don’t go completely off. Couldn’t see any hills to march ‘em up and down. And I looks up and I sees that the pub is right across the road from some kind of museum. Now I’m not much of a history nut. Most history’s a waste of time. I mean it’s done with right? Finished, right? Get over it and move on. Don’t keep sittin’ around sayin’ maybe it was because of this or because of that. Nah. Just forget about it. I must say tho’ that me old dad did teach me a lot about the history of punk. Now that’s history worth knowin’ about. Coz those early punk geysers were breakin’ new ground. Breakin’ out of the pathetic mess that rock music had become. Breakin’ out of the pathetic thing called disco. And just generally breakin’ stuff. Like people’s eardrums. So when I looks up and I see this museum, I’m thinkin’ ‘Oh yeah. A museum’. And I was just about to look back at those two twits Belter and Legend larkin’ about on the balcony pourin’ beer on the front of each others’ trousers, and I catch a glimpse of the sign for the museum. Coz right above it is the most awesome big model of some kind of helmet. Some kind of metal helmet. It kind of had a big round bit on the top. And down the sides, covering the ears, were these two big metal flaps. Amazing! But it got better. Hangin’ off the front, like some elephant’s trunk, was another big metal flap. And I’m thinkin’ to meself, that is one awesome big metal punk hat that is!! How awesome would it be to wear one of them on stage? That would be sensational! So I says, “Come on you lot! Time to get yourselves some proper punk education!!” Coz as I’ve mentioned before, our education at Sediment Ponds was non-existent. All the stuff we learned, we weren’t meant to learn. And all the stuff we were meant to learn, we didn’t. So I drags Belter and Legend away from their silly beer game, and grab Bobo’s hand, and off we go to find out about the history of punk helmets in York.
Turns out the helmet belonged to some Angle fellow who somehow got himself down a deep well. His helmet must have fallen off while he was down there. Maybe he was hiding from the Romans. Now there’s a bunch of real wild guys those Romans. Couldn’t be bothered just hangin’ round down there on the Mediterranean drinking wine and having wild parties. Had to get out the old sword from the Nasty and Dangerous Bits of Metal Cupboard. Rampage their way in all directions. Hard to believe they made it all the way up here to York. And they didn’t even have a tour bus like Heart of Punk. Had some pretty good gear, though, those Romans. They called their swords their “Gladius”. I guess that’s Roman talk for “Are you glad to see us?”. Real punk gear. You should check out their armour. Metal hoops. Metal shoulder pads. I said to Legend “You gotta get some gear like that.” Bobo wants some, too. Tomorrow we’re gonna check out the second hand stores. Maybe they got some up the back somewhere. It’s a pity the Romans didn’t have electricity. With that sort of gear, they would be playin’ punk rock for sure. Dunno what they had in those days to keep the masses entertained. Some weedy little harp kind of things, I should think. Hard to be a punk rocker with that. Must have been a real frustrated lot, the Roman musicians. Had all the right gear to wear, and none of the gear to rock on into the night. No wonder they joined the army and went out and smashed up a few places.
Well as I said before the people up here in York love their Punk Rock. Course that’s mainly coz the Heart of Punk are such a wild rockin’ band. It’s also thanks to Packs Britannica. Packs of what I dunno. But for the last thousand years or so nobody’s been smashin’ Britain up too much with the exception of that one crazy guy A. Hitler. Before that, it was one in, all in. First the Romans beat up the Brigantes. Then the Romans got beat up by the Angles. Then the Vikings showed up with some really big swords and some wild punk helmets and smashed up the Angles. The last Viking big wig was some guy called Eric Bloodaxe. Now there’s a real Punk name. He got beat up by the Normans, though, who dropped in from France to add another country to their collection.
Yeah. So there’s your little history lesson for the day, snotty nosed punk fans. Pretty interestin’ it is, too. We’re off to do our sound check. If I can stop Belter and Legend playin’ at sword fights with Belter’s drumsticks. They are right into it. Pity our history teachers at Sediment Ponds Comprehensive didn’t go on a lot more about swords and helmets and armour and all that stuff. We might a been a bit more attentive. Might have learned somethin’. Might have ended up bein’ accountants or somethin’ boring like that. Nah. Rather be a punk rocker. Yeah!
So!! We’re rockin’ the Grand Old Duke pub tonight York Punk Fans! Get your old Roman and Angle and Viking helmets out of the cupboard, dust ‘em off, and get on down for some wild punk!! Coz it’s Wild Punk Gear night at the GOD pub! Whoa!!
