From Yorkshire to the World! Heart of Punk Global Extavaganza!

Hello Punk Fans! This is me, Nafe, from Heart of Punk bringin’ you the latest news on the band! And what awesome news it is! I mean, really, really, really awesome!! As I said in my last blog, our manager Nineknees has been in hush hush top secret talks on our next tour. Now the venues have been released! And I can tell you, punk fans around the world, you are in for a treat, that’s for sure. Here’s the highlights, so if you’re livin’ within a few hundred miles of any of these joints, get your tickets quick! Belter reckons they’re gonna be sellin’ faster than razor blades in Iran.

1. We kick off the tour down in London. And the venue? Wait for it … none other than Buck Palace!! Awesome! By special request of the resident Big Gal’s eldest laddie, we’ll be rocking the corgis outta their socks! Belter reckons there could be an MBE just around the corner!! Can’t tell you the date, tho. It’s top secret. Invitation only event. Nineknees reckons HM’s security don’t want any of them toe-rag terrorists to find out the date. He says it’d be a real coo for those crazies to blow up the world’s most famous punk band! Yeah. That’s the price of fame.

2. Then we’re off to France! Got a coupla open air gigs right down town. Some place called the Ark Da Tree Umph. Rumour has it that some Hungarian guy is gonna be there! Can’t mention his name here for security reasons. But, Legend is especially happy about the prospect of meeting the Hungarian’s wife! He’s not just interested in playin’ guitar, is our Legend. Haha!

3. Next stop is Japan! How awesome is that? Always wanted to go to Japan. Gotta check out them Geishas. I saw some pictures of them once. Absolutely wicked make-up. I reckon that’s where Gene Simmons and those boys from Kiss got the idea. My old dad took me to see Kiss playin’ at the old Wembley stadium when I was a little tacker. Fantastic! Me old mum complained for weeks afterwards that she couldn’t find her face powder and lippie. Yeah! Luckily I’m a bit over that now. Can’t say too much. Bobo might start asking difficult questions. Anyway we’re playin’ two gigs in Japan. One at some place called the Kio Sarah Dome in Osaka. They say Osaka has more punks than anywhere else in Asia! Should be awesome! Then we go up to Tokyo to play a joint that Nineknees said is called the Buddha Can. Whether the Buddha can or can’t, I guess it’s up to him, but whatever. It’s gonna be amazing!

4. You’re not gonna believe this, but Nineknees has scored a absolutely awesome diplomatic breakthrough! Right after Japan, we’re goin’ over to North Korea!!! We’re gonna be the first English punk band to play there ever. And you should get a grip on the name of the venue – I wrote this one down so I would get it right – The Eternal President Glorious Infallibe Leader Angel of the Revolution Defender of the Workers Friend to Little Children Generous Host Savior of the Party Conqueror of the Galaxy Emperor of the Universe And General All Round Good Guy Anti-Reactionary Music Hall! I told Nineknees he should write a song about that. I mean all the words are there. Like you could get four verses out of that! He’d just have to rearrange them a bit. Dead easy.

Now there’s more dates than that, but I gotta go. Before I do, I gotta tell you about our last gig here in Yorkshire. Last night it was. Mudflats Nature Park, Youlethorpe. There we were all set up on this stage made out of some planks and wotnot that the locals had scrounged for the occasion. We had the big lights up there. The big amps. The big speakers. In front of the stage was a little bit of grass. Surrounding that was a whole forest of scungly little bushes like they get all over Yorkshire. And they’d put up a fence to keep the payin’ customers in. Behind us was the sea. Or rather the mud. Coz the tide was out. It was dead dark back there when we started to play. The tide went out so far we couldn’t even hear the waves. Well we started to play loud n fast and I was shoutin’ like there was no tomorrow. The locals were really gettin’ into it. Mixed crowd they were. Old punks and young punks. Lot of Indian punks in turbans. Seeks, I think they call ‘em. Dunno what they’re lookin’ for, but they’re lookin’. I heard Youlethorpe is the naan bread capital of Yorkshire. Anyway they’re all jumpin’ up and down like crazy. The little patch of grass soon turned into a sea of mud. And they were still jumpin’ up and down. But a lot of them were in their socks or barefoot coz their shoes were stuck in the mud. And we were all jumpin’ up and down like crazy too. I like to think it was that we were playin’ really hot. Which we were. But the place was gettin’ darker and darker, even tho the stage lights were on. I looked up at the lights when we were half way through Rotten Lil Git and they looked like they had a million little flying things round them. This cloud of little bugs got bigger and bigger. The stage got darker and darker as more of them swarmed in from all over the place. They got closer and closer. We were inching our way towards the back of the stage, trying to keep away from them. Belter was stuck there at his drums, watching this alien invasion about to gobble him up. He was like a bunny in headlights. Finally they reached us. At the same time, a mob of them hived off into crowd. Then those rotten li’l gits started biting!! The crowd went wild! We went wild! We were jumpin’ around all over the place trying to stop them landing. Now people were getting stuck in the deepening mud. Some of the punters started running for the exit. Away from the lights and the bugs. But some of them were stuck in the mud. They were yellin’ to their friends to help them. Some of their friends were coming back and pullin’ with all their might to get them out of the mud. There was now a mad rush for the exit. It was only a coupla little gates in the fence. About a hundred poeple all went for the gate at the same time, tryin’ to escape the little varmints. The fence went down under the weight. Suddenly we didn’t have an audience and we were gettin’ eaten alive. Now Nineknees who was on the mixer suddenly flicks a switch and the power is cut. We’re still playin’ but there’s nuthin’ comin’ out. The lights fade. “Run!” yells Nineknees and we all drop what we’re holding and jump off the front of the stage. Right into the mud. We’re clamberin’ around tryin’ to get through it. Finally we break through and run like mad through this insane swarm of pests. I musta swallowed a thousand of ‘em. Finally we make it to the tour bus in the car park on the other side of the smashed up fence. We pile in there and slam the door shut, all covered in mud and bugs we’ve squashed and bits of grass and I look at Bobo and she’s got a big gob of mud right on the end of her nose and bits of grass stuck on her studs and piercings and her face is covered in little red bumps from all the bites and she’s a real mess and she glares at me and she just says, “Bugger Yorkshire for a joke!” Actually she didn’t say ‘bugger’… just use your imagination…

Somethin’ fishy goin’ on in Herringthorpe

Hey Punk Fans!! What a week for the Heart of Punk and Punk Rockers everywhere!! The geriatric punk revolution that started in Allethorpe, Bugthorpe and Dangthorpe has swept like a mad sweeping thing through the sleepy little towns of Foggathorpe, Grimethorpe, Herringthorpe, Kelleythorpe, Painthorpe, Scunthorpe and Wilthorpe!! Hardly had any time to write me little blog! You shoulda seen us at the Drizzle and Mist pub in Foggathorpe! The old manager there, Barry I think his name is (great geyser, too, if you’re ever up that way, drop in and say Nafe sent ya), he’s a legend. He’s got these big smoke machines so when the band was playin’ the whole place just filled up with smoke! It was awesome! We couldn’t see the punters, and they couldn’t see us! But we could hear ‘em, even above the mad wild noise of the band! They were gettin’ into it so much, that half of ‘em took out their false teeth and started clackin’ ‘em in time to the music! What a ripper! Never had that happen before! Then it was on to Grimethorpe. What a dump! We’d hardly driven through town and found our digs at the Scum and Muck pub opposite the long distance bus station when we all had to take a shower. Not all at once, mind you, tho Bobo was makin’ hints in that direction. She’s a goer, that one! I dunno what it is in the air there or where it’s comin’ from but it can’t be good for ya. Pure Grime. We played at the bus station, can you believe it. Thing is, there hasn’t been a bus comin’ or goin’ from Grimethorpe in about a million years. But they got this big old shed that used to be the bus terminal, and the locals packed in there in their thousands. The manager from the Scum and Muck, a feller called Barrie, he set up a bar in there and a good time was had by all. Top geyser he was, too. Gave us all a few free rounds. What between the booze and the goo in the air, we played a pretty gritty gig. It wasn’t rock music but dirt music, Nineknees said. Smart aleck he is. Thought that was pretty funny. Belter just said “Wot?” and we all clipped his ear for bein’ so thick. Then the next day it was on to Herringthorpe where we played at the fish market. We was all gettin’ pretty tired by this time what with playin’ at night then havin’ a few beers afterwards with the punters (some of these old geysers don’t seem to need any sleep – they are just party animals!) then travellin’ to the next town and settin’ up all over again. But anyway we’re not complainin’ coz we’re making a lot of old timers very happy. Never seen so many big smiles at our gigs. Even when they turn up their hearing aids. Never seen so many bad gums either. Some of those old dears oughta do somethin’ about that. Anyway can you believe it we played at the fish market. This joint’s miles from the sea, so I dunno what they’re doin’ with a fish market. But geez did that place stink! I said to Nineknees, “What we doin’ playin’ in a fish market?” and the smart aleck says “Well, you could start off by practising your scales”. Belter said “Wot” and we clipped him around the ear and then Bobo looks around the old joint with its bits of fishing net hangin’ off the wall, and the bits of fish gut glued to the beams and says “I dunno about you boys but I’m hooked on this joint” and we woulda all cuffed her round the ear too but she’s taller than the rest of us so we watch out step. Yeah. Pretty funny place, Herringthorpe. Anyway, next stop on the World Tour of Yorkshire was Kelleythorpe. The pub was the Iron Helmet. I said to the manager, Barry (top geyser he was, too) “What’s it called the iron helmet for?” I was thinkin’ about all them Viking and Roman helmets we saw up in York, and gettin’ a bit excited. Barry says “Coz of Ned Kelly” and we all say “Wot?” at the same time. Apparently old Ned was some crazy geyser in Australia. Used to ride around the place on his horse, robbin’ people. Used to wear a iron helmet that covered his whole head. With just a little slit to look out of. Barry had a full-size copy of the thing in his pub. Hangin’ on the wall. He took it down and we all tried it on. Except Belter. His head was too big. I was thinkin’ of wearin’ it on stage. Old Ned mighta invented a new bit of Punk gear. Trouble was, the thing weighed a ton. You’d put it on and it was so heavy your neck would flop around like it was made of jelly. And your legs would start to bend under the weight of this crazy iron helmet. Anyway to cut a long story, old Barry names his pub the Iron Helmet coz Ned Kelly wore a iron helmet and the pub is in Kelleythorpe. Gettit? Ned Kelly. Kelleythorpe. Place was a bit of a dump, actually.

Finally played the Weight Watchers Hall in Wilthorpe last night. What can I say?? We certainly watched a lot of weight movin’ and shakin’! I didn’t know they made leather pants in those sizes. Anyway! Punk is for everybody! Fat, thin, overweight, obese, super obese, morbidly obese! They were all there last night… except the thin ones… 

So we’re comin’ up to our last gig on the World Tour of Yorkshire! Tonight we’re playin’ a gig under the stars at the Mud Flats Tidal Park in Youlthorpe-on-Lane. What a gig it’s gonna be! What a way to end up the tour! We’ve rocked and punked our way through Yorkshire. We’ve brought the Heart of Punk to the masses – the old and the geriatric, the overweight and the obese, the rural and the isolated, the city slicker punks and the hill billy punks, the thick and the not quite as thick… it’s been a real revolution sweepin’ through the country side! Now we’re takin’ our punk rock to Mother Nature herself! All those critters in the tidal park are goin’ to be rockin’ tonight. So don’t go to sleep too early you little birdies in the trees. Don’t crawl into your holes too early little worms in the mud. (Belter’s lookin’ over me shoulder while I’m writin’ this and now he says “What about the mosquitoes and all them other bitey things? I hope you’re not tellin’ them to stay awake.” I just look at him and says “Belter, you have got no idea about poetry or literature, have you, you daft twit?”).

And, dear fans, have I got a bit surprise for you! Tomorrow Heart of Punk is gonna announce it’s new world tour dates! Our manager Nineknees has got everything sorted! He already whispered a bit in our ear! But I can’t say anymore now! It’s still hush hush. But tomorrow is the big public announcement! So this is me, Nafe, signing off, totally breathless with anticipation I am and I bet you are, too! Yeeeeeeeeah!!